This past weekend I had the great fortune to have dinner with a couple of my “autism mommy friends,” an evening out which not only provided me with great food and conversation but let me escape doing the dishes for one night. I really like and respect these two women, whom between them have three adult autistic children on the more severe end of the spectrum. We of course ended up talking about our kids and autism as we usually do when we can sneak out of our houses, and while basking in the glow of super fun martinis caught each other up on our lives, laughed, and bonded.
I also have friends with kids on the milder end of the spectrum. Some of them are women I’ve known from Zach’s pre-school days, women I really liked, and worked hard to develop relationships with them. These friendships have afforded Zach the opportunity for playdates as well, and I’ve also cultivated these friendships for that reason, as our collective ability to get together these days is always extremely limited.
I find my conversations with these two disparate groups bear almost no commonality.
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When I discuss Zach, I talk about the merits of different schools, whether or not we should try baseball, which teachers I’ve heard are good with our kids in the approaching grades.
When I talk about Justin I usually am giving an “OCD update” and an “outing update,” and when things get serious, talking about those post-21 days and what I’m hoping his life will look like.
I will share with you I’m still working on that one.
I need moms to talk to in both camps, not only because my sons’ life trajectories are so different, but because I care equally about the decisions we have to make about their futures, some not so simple, some easier than others. Autism can be so isolating, particularly in the early days. I’ve found it an invaluable help to have other women to bounce ideas off of, to be able to say my more severe kid hasn’t slept well in four days and have them know immediately my fear is that this new change is permanent (and have them talk me down off the ledge). I need a friend who understands that when a teacher goes out on maternity leave it’s a big deal for my littlest son (and know she’ll talk me down off of that ledge too).
I just need people who get it.
So if you’re just starting out on this autism journey, I hate to say it but I’m going to add one more thing to the “get Early Intervention/deal with insurance/make doctor appointments/figure out their school program/try to sleep once in a while” list that invariable comes hand-in-hand with a diagnosis, no matter what your child’s age. Some people I know have found these women in support groups, or in the waiting rooms of private supplemental therapy offices. Many have made friends with moms they’ve met through their kid’s school, or by volunteering for a local autism organization. I personally made friends with all my kids’ Early Intervention therapists (hell, they were at my house all the time, I saw them more than my own husband), several of whom had kids on the spectrum who were older, and helped guide my way.
It doesn’t matter where you find them. Just find some good ones, and hold on for dear life.
Not only will these friendships save your sanity, but from my friends who’ve been around the block a bit with their kids who are older than mine, I’ve gotten invaluable information regarding our school system, available therapies, medications, and which local doctors are worth the trip and which aren’t worth the bother.
Hell, I’d nurture those friendships just for that last bit of info.
So when your life has settled down a bit and you can think of taking on one more task (and know I so get the enormity of that), make new friends. And as I paraphrase from what I used to say in Girl Scouts, keep the old, but make the new.
The new are gold for sure.
For more on my family visit my blog at autismmommytherapist.wordpress.com
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