Patience is a virtue I do not have in spades.
I say this and laugh, because instead of making list-oriented New Year’s Resolutions this year, I simply asked for patience, happiness and peace. Last year (unfortunately) like this year was very challenging, and really, I was just going for baseline.
It turns out I’m a work in progress.
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This summer I’ve seen a lot of ups and downs with our boy. At this point, to tell you the truth, we’re not even sure what he has anymore. We have a consult with his neurologist next week, there may be answers,, there may not. Justin seems to make progress, then slips again. It is beyond frustrating not knowing for sure what is going on not because I need a label, but because I don’t know how to treat it.
Still, there are some things I am immensely grateful for.
His school has been incredibly patient with all his changes, and once again I am beyond thankful that we made the decision to put him in a private placement all those years ago. His school truly is his second home. We are lucky.
To my immense relief we are still able to take him places, places he’s loved since we moved here when he was a toddler. I’ve been worried we’d lose that ability to take him out, which has meant so much to him and to me over the years.
Finally, we’ve seen some of his intrinsic joy return. This aspect of whatever he has has been the most difficult part for me. My boy, despite severe autism and OCD and this new challenge, has always been happy in his core. To see glimpses and periods where this child has returned has meant, well, everything.
Psychologically I know whatever this new challenge is his progress will not be linear. I don’t honestly know where we’ll be tomorrow, next week, or a few months from now. I guess the truth is none of us knows this, but it is particularly difficult for me because this is my child’s life, the one we’ve sweat blood and tears for for fifteen years to make it good for him.
I, not so simply, have to wait.
And I sincerely hope the universe grants me patience.
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